If you don’t have your local Pizza Hut on speed dial, now may be a good time to save it to your contacts, because the P’Zone is BACK! As if normal pizza wasn’t already great, now you can get an entire pizza folded in half, marketed in such a way that makes it okay for one person to consume the whole thing. Get your own P’Zone, man, I’m not sharing my 6.5 pounds of dough, cheese, and toppings with you! For anyone who didn’t know, I have a personal tie to Pizza Hut, and by “personal” I mean “business”. No, I am not a frequent shopper. I used to work at my local P-Hut, as an insider and then, the coveted position of driver. This article doesn’t really apply in New York, because you’d have to be out of your mind to voluntarily order from Pizza Slut when there’s a real, New York-style pizzeria on every corner, but here’s something I wrote a couple years ago as a (clearly disgruntled) teenage pizza-mobile driver in suburban America:
As a deliverer of pizzas, I am going to use this space and time to educate all readers on pizza etiquette. Actually, not so much etiquette as “how to not annoy your driver”. I will follow with a list of things that annoy the piss out of me when I’m taking food people’s houses.
1) When I ring the doorbell/knock, whoever is inside the house yells, “Who is it?!”
Okay dumbass, you’re the one who ordered the pizza. Who do you think it is? Many times I am tempted to say, “Randy Newman,” “Your Mom,” or “It’s the motherfuckin’ cops.” Regardless of the answer, you’re gonna have to get up off your fat ass and open the door anyway, so let’s not beat around the bush.
