Alternate Headlines: 6/3/08

Alternate Headlines:

China Sez, “Stay The Hell Out!”

Olympic-Bound Foreigners Realize 2008 Games Are in China, Get Screwed When They Can’t Re-Book Flights to Fort Lauderdale

Americans Warned Against Spreading Democracy, Genital Herpes

Excerpt from the real article:

Do? Leave Jackie Chan DVDs at home

Don’t? Wear anything purchased at Wal-Mart

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Alternate Headlines:

First Political Brain Switch, Resurrection of Nixon in Kennedy’s Body, A Success

Republicans’ Mission Impossible: III-style Assassination of Kennedy Foiled by Modern Science

After The Fact, Kennedy Loves Tumor Humor

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Alternate Headlines:

Mr. Bill to Star in MasterCard Commercial, NY Times Writer Fired for Confusing Advertising with News

Visa Infiltrates Ad Agency and Changes MasterCard Font to Comic Sans in an Effort to Repulse Customers

MasterCard Advertising CEO Wakes From 35-Year Coma, Casts Mr. Bill

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Finally some good news for me! This is a sign.

Toilet Abuse

Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, I am currently sitting on the Chinatown bus headed to Baltimore and enjoying free wireless internet. That’s right – I’m in an internetmobile. So I initially got on here to write a post about Mother’s Day (and to take my attention off this guy sitting in front of me, whose gnarly dreads are spilling over his seat and into my space), but upon coming to WordPress was confronted with this headline: “‘Bishop’ and Mother Arrested After Making Kids Live with Corpse.” A-say what??

Apparently this religious “bishop” (obviously of the Psychotic Bastard Religion, Wisconsin Chapter) deemed that if this 90-year old dead woman sat on a toilet, she would be resurrected. I mean, that makes sense, right? Sometimes after a long enough time on the toilet I feel like I’ve been reborn. This religion sounds like this shitty movie I watched last night called Inside, starring Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl fame, but that’s another post altogether. Read the whole (news) story here.

Now this may be old, and perhaps you’ve already discussed it with the Debate Team, but in other toilet news, authorities are considering charges against a man who allowed his girlfriend to sit on his toilet for two years, so long in fact, that her skin grew around the toilet seat and it had to be removed at the hospital. Now, that’s shocking and disgusting, but how is the man culpable here? Don’t bother a woman on the toilet, that’s what I say. He brought her food and water every day and asked her to leave the bathroom, but she refused. (Wouldn’t he eventually have to go? Bitch get off ma terlet!) She should be grateful he wasn’t urinating in her lap. Read the whole story here. Based on these two incidences, I can conclude that Midwesterners have issues with pooping the same way New Yorkers have issues with eating.

You’re welcome readers, for your daily dose of bizarre and fucked up news. So next time you’re grappling for a conversation starter or suffering through some awkward silence, you’ll have something to say to that complete stranger at the bus stop.

P.S. – Happy Mother’s Day!!