A Letter to My Roommate, After Moving Out

I just wrote and sent this to my former roommate, and thought it was so poetic it deserved to be shared:

You did not send me any electric bill. You were supposed to pay it, and then I would reimburse you for half. Please tell me you paid it.

Also, I was pretty pissed off at the disgusting condition the apartment was left in – it was obvious that no one cleaned anything in the month that I was gone and it looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in a year. The amount of human scum that I dealt with in the bathroom and kitchen was just abhorrent and made me want to barf. You left stuff in the fridge including a giant bag of potatoes. You left your moose mug. You left your Bill Cosby album. All have now met their end in the garbage. I had to pay some schizophrenic weirdo $80 to remove the air conditioner, because even if I could get the bolts out of it, there was no way I could carry that thing and no way I was going to touch it after it had been sticking out of that window collecting rainwater and pigeon shit for 6 years. Turns out, the bed frame was the least of my problems. If you show your face around New York City ever again, it’s going to meet up with my fist in a knuckle sandwich of destiny.

So please, tell me you at least paid the electric bill. Since all that, life’s been good.

Brooklyn, Here I Come

It’s official! I’m moving to Brooklyn as soon as my checks to Century 21 clear, and hopefully with all of my black magic and voodoo this will not be a problem. Despite my usual tendency to fear and hate everything that is unfamiliar, I am actually very excited to move. Of course I’ll miss living on my block in Chelsea, quite possibly the best location in Manhattan, especially because it catered so well to my unbelievable laziness, with just about every train less than a block or a transfer away. My solution to the remoteness of Brooklyn? Get a pimpin’ ride.

My bike will obviously have a basket, a squeaky horn, and some glittery tassels on the handlebars.

In other news, today was SUPPOSED to be free Slurpee day at 7-11, but it turns out they’re full of shit. I was told the Slurpee machine was out of order. Skip was told that free Slurpee DAY ended at 2:00pm which sounds like some commie crap to me. 

In tomorrow’s news, several Manhattan 7-11s have been burned to the ground.