Top 20 Reasons to Quit Facebook

20. You use “facebooked” as a verb.
19. Your mom joined.
18. I fucked your mom.
17. You’re tired of seeing pictures of your ex-boyfriend frenching your other ex-boyfriend.
16. You don’t give a flying fuck whose birthday it is.
15. You just don’t have enough spare time to devote to stalking your friends the way they deserve to be stalked.
14. You don’t want your boss to see pictures of you shit-faced at the Puerto Rican Day parade.
13. Your boss is on facebook.
12. I fucked your boss.
11. Two words: iPhones and hipsters.
10. The last person who friended you listed “swap meets, eyebrow grooming, and ranch dressing” under interests.
9. Today’s “gift” was a severed toe.
8. No one seems to be replying to your marketplace listing for Season 2 of Desperate Housewives on DVD.
7. You’ve been reduced to making profiles for your pet… and they allow that.
6. You can’t keep spending three hours a day un-tagging unflattering photos of yourself in public bathrooms (let’s face it: they’re all unflattering).
5. According to your profile, you’re in a relationship with yourself and “it’s complicated” when in reality, you got dumped by yourself weeks ago and are too embarrassed to admit it.
4. You don’t think that dropping one’s cell phone in a toilet is reasonable grounds for an “event.”
3. Turns out “JD’s ultra-selective group” was neither “ultra” nor “selective”.
2. You were depressed to learn that you aren’t really friends with the Janitor from Scrubs, because that guy is hilarious.
1. It’s unlikely that if 100,000 people join a group someone’s going to suck their own dick (and if they do, you want proof).

To-Do List: 5/7/08

- Write angry letter to Duane Reade regarding exorbitant price of Mach 3 replacement blades and illiteracy of employees

- Sell books back to NYU Bookstore for $4.75, for a total net profit of -$75.00

- Clean roommate’s funky food out of fridge

- Dance like no one is watching

- Sell old Beanie Babies to pay off college tuition loans

- Take a dump in the bathroom at the Met

- Conceal funky food in roommate’s mattress

- Recycle excess wire hangers

- Compile portfolio of writing samples (note: angry letters to Duane Reade not acceptable)

- Send dream journal to publishing company… again

- Destroy evidence of former obsession with the fat guy from Nsync