A Letter to the Internet

Dear Internet,

Somehow, you aren’t the entity I fell in love with. We used to have so much fun, checking Facebook and Gmail, and refreshing that site featuring all the pictures that random people uploaded to their LiveJournals. But now… things just aren’t the same. You don’t entertain and challenge me the way you used to. I don’t want to say it’s because you’re not putting out, but… I go to Gmail, and, nothing. Facebook, nothing. Are you even trying anymore? I thought we could work through this. I got StumbleUpon and Digg, but it’s just not enough for you to randomly present me with sites that other users enjoy. What about me, internet? And my specific wants and needs?

And now that I have a job, well, I don’t even really need Craig’s List like I used to. These bookmarks are old and stale; where’s the excitement? The spontanaiety we used to have? When I would Google something you’d give me lots of great options, but it seems like everything there is just ads, ads, ads. You used to be able to surprise me, but now, your shock value doesn’t even have an effect on me. Beta? So what?

Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re going to blame this on the computer. And maybe you’re not completely wrong, maybe it has come between us. It’s slow, small, and just overall lacking the power that I crave. I guess what I’m saying is… I’m just not attracted to you anymore. Until you’re an iMac, I think I want to start seeing new technology.

Still friends?

Alison

Top 20 Reasons to Quit Facebook

20. You use “facebooked” as a verb.
19. Your mom joined.
18. I fucked your mom.
17. You’re tired of seeing pictures of your ex-boyfriend frenching your other ex-boyfriend.
16. You don’t give a flying fuck whose birthday it is.
15. You just don’t have enough spare time to devote to stalking your friends the way they deserve to be stalked.
14. You don’t want your boss to see pictures of you shit-faced at the Puerto Rican Day parade.
13. Your boss is on facebook.
12. I fucked your boss.
11. Two words: iPhones and hipsters.
10. The last person who friended you listed “swap meets, eyebrow grooming, and ranch dressing” under interests.
9. Today’s “gift” was a severed toe.
8. No one seems to be replying to your marketplace listing for Season 2 of Desperate Housewives on DVD.
7. You’ve been reduced to making profiles for your pet… and they allow that.
6. You can’t keep spending three hours a day un-tagging unflattering photos of yourself in public bathrooms (let’s face it: they’re all unflattering).
5. According to your profile, you’re in a relationship with yourself and “it’s complicated” when in reality, you got dumped by yourself weeks ago and are too embarrassed to admit it.
4. You don’t think that dropping one’s cell phone in a toilet is reasonable grounds for an “event.”
3. Turns out “JD’s ultra-selective group” was neither “ultra” nor “selective”.
2. You were depressed to learn that you aren’t really friends with the Janitor from Scrubs, because that guy is hilarious.
1. It’s unlikely that if 100,000 people join a group someone’s going to suck their own dick (and if they do, you want proof).