Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-08-25, 2:50PM EDT
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I’m the kind of person that never learns their lesson. Though I am well aware that eating certain foods will make me feel like some kind of monster that is the assembly of many different, mismatched human body parts and then shocked to life by a lightning bolt, I continue to ingest them. Known foods that do this are: coffee, any kind of soda, and now, tragically, Frankenberry. Who would’ve thought a neon pink, artificially-flavored, marshmallow and puffed corn cereal would have a negative effect on the human body? First, I ate it and enjoyed every second. Then I promptly fell into a 3-hour long sugar coma from which I could not be woken. Then I mustered the strength found only in those able overcome muscular dystrophy and got out of bed, only to suffer horrible abdominal pain. And you know what? At the risk of feeling like complete dog ass, I’ll have it for breakfast again tomorrow.
Other examples of times when I just didn’t learn? Being lured into shithole apartments, including one projects house, more than once by Craig’s List ads promising “no fee,” “new renovations,” or “bucket of truth.” Dating an Irishman. Taking that extra five minutes in the morning to watch the rest of the human interest story on The Today Show. Not following The Today Show’s advice to choose a career as a sex worker. Volunteering to wake up before 8am for various reasons, including, spending the day at the airport, working on student films, and taking that damn dog to the vet. Not carrying my umbrella every day in June. Making sidewalk chalk drawings right before a job interview. Having that third taco. Starting to write a blog while having horrible abdominal pain, knowing full well I’d have to leave halfway through to go to…. excuse me.
Since I’ve been looking for a new apartment, I’ve become absolutely addicted to Craig’s List. And not in a good way. Not in an ironic, cruising-through-personals-just-to-laugh-at-how-pathetic-they-are-whilst-I-myself-am-equally-pathetic-and-cruising-personals-as-entertainment kind of way. I am chronically checking to see if there are new apartments available in the no-fee section and sending dozens of emails trying to set up appointments to see them. It’s giving me horrible flashbacks to my job search, except this search will end with me losing lots of money instead of earning it. But the good news is, I’ve just discovered that Craig’s List offers RSS feeds for your specific search terms and field requests, and thank God, because I can’t keep refreshing this shit. Now I can easily check my Mail to see what’s happening in the world of shady real estate, and eventually ignore it like everything else that comes into my inbox. Thank you, technology. Internet, please forgive me?
But let’s just say I was cruising Craig’s List personals for entertainment. Here’s some stuff I’d hope to find in the “Strictly Platonic” section…
Fellow feminist sought for partner Halloween costume. Let’s get started early: human-size papier-mache fallopian tubes don’t build themselves! (East Village)
Burly bear needed for Boy Scout training sessions entitled, “When No Means No” and “How to Escape a Bear in the Wild” (Chelsea)
Let’s share a giant glass of milk! (Williamsburg)
White, English-speaking, female friend desperately needed (Harlem)
Double amputee seeks companion. Can you lend me a hand… or two? LOL! (Battery Park)
Friend and caretaker wanted for elderly woman. You help me use the toilet and medicate my bedsores and I’ll regale you with stories about Lyndon B. Johnson. (Astoria)
Narcissist seeks self-loathing yes man as gym spotter and ego masseuse (Financial District)
Members wanted for adults-only Strip Cranium Team (Coney Island)
That’s what she said (huhuhuhuh…). It gets better:
THANKS TO THE MANY SMART ONES WHO HAVE RESPONDED AND THANKED ME….THE FOLLOWING IS ANOTHER EMAIL i RECEIVED…
“i realize your point, that the BEST time to transplant bushes is in
the fall, BUT you can successfully transplant bushes n o w….and
some of us are on a serious budget, and we cannot afford to go out
and buy the plants/bushes we’d like!”ANOTHER 80 DEGREE DAY….GO OUT THERE AND BUST YOUR HUMP TRYING TO GET A SUBSTANTIAL ROOTBALL BIG ENOUGH FOR SURVIVAL….”YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY HIT A HOME RUN AT SHEA STADIUM GIVEN ENOUGH TRIES….”
THE ODDS ARE AGAINST YOU !! THE POINT IS –> YOU WANNA GIVE AWAY A BUSH? OR JUST USE SOME SUCKER TO TO YOUR LABOR? GIVE TREES AWAY IN THE FALL—ENOUGH SAID
Giving away free bush is hard.
You: wearing white v-neck T-shirt and backwards baseball cap in the style popular for young people of the 90s, as if to say, “Yes. I am hip.” Your glasses matched those of the 9-year old beside you, who I assume was either your son or the result of America’s first successful clone of a human being. Your patchy facial hair screamed, “Asians are men too” and oh, how I heard it.
I was sitting across from you on the A train, in a red bandanna and paisley eye patch. I couldn’t help but notice your deconstructed CPU with missing side panel, and metal alloy baseball bat. I wondered if you shared my enthusiasm for the destruction of outdated computer parts. My other interests include dried meats, vaccuum packing my underwear, and creating mosaic art with frozen vegetables. Let’s connect over some uncooked ramen and dismantled hard drives.
