My Brother and Mad Libs

Remember Mad Libs? Why did we think those were so great? They were the most unimaginative, generic, fill-in-the-blank stories ever. Oh wait, now I remember: because when I was doing Mad Libs (around age eight) with my brother, they would all turn out something like this:

Two peniswrinkles, both alike in dignity,
In fair Poop Factory, where we lay our scene,
From ancient peniswrinkle break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross`d buttmonkeys take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their assgoblin bury their parents` strife.
The fearful passage of their gay love,
And the continuance of their parents` rage,
Which, but their children`s end, nought could fart,
Is now the eleventy-billion hours` traffic of our stage;
The which if you with stinky peniswrinkle attend,
What here shall poop, our toil shall strive to mend.

Hah! Now I remember why they’re so great. That shit is hilarious. We would spend every spare minute in the car giggling uncontrollably at the words “peniswrinkle,” “gaylord,” and “buttmonkey.” And I have to say, not much has changed.

American Apparel Update

So remember that post a while back where I relayed my cheeky and hilarious cover letter to American Apparel? For the longest time I didn’t hear anything, which is exactly what I expected. But, the other day, out of the blue, I get a call from an unrecognized New York number. And who should it be, but Aaron from the staffing department of AA, calling to see if I could come in for an interview! Well, Aaron old pal, I was sorry to tell you that that train has sailed and I have been taken by another lover, good old NYFA. Who would’ve guessed that two months after applying for a minimum wage retail job I would’ve given up on that dream and gone on with life? Not Aaron. Sigh. Don’t worry buddy, somewhere out there, in Williamsburg, there are a dozen hipsters waiting weeks by the phone to hear from you, for their chance at amazing discounts and the chance to sleep with Dov Charney. Keep in touch.

Conversations I Fantasize About Having with Family Members

Me: What are your thoughts on Miley Cyrus?
11 Year Old Cousin: You mean Hannah Montana?
Me: Whatever.
11 Year Old Cousin: She sucks and is an embarrassment to young females of my generation.
Me: Yes, I agree.
11 Year Old Cousin: Yeah, she sucks major donkey balls.
Me: Totes for real.
11 Year Old Cousin: LOL.
Me: Did you just say “LOL”?
11 Year Old Cousin: I meant it ironically.
Me: Good.

Me: How are you Grandpa?
Grandpa: Good. You call and visit just as much as I’d like you to, and I am in no way bitter or resentful. 

Me: What are all these investments in my name?
Dad: It’s stock in Apple that I bought in 1986.
Me: When do I get to have it?
Dad: Tomorrow.

Me: Dogs are so much better than cats.
Brother: I know!!
Me: Thank you for admitting that.

Me: I wish you hadn’t died.
Grandma: I know, me neither. I had half a tuna sandwich in the fridge I was really looking forward to.

Me: Oh man, it’s Sunday, you know what that means.
Garfield: Oh no, tomorrow’s Monday! I hate Mondays.
Me: Let’s go get some lasagna and then mail Nermel to Abu Dhabi.
Garfield: Agreed.

Brooklyn, Here I Come

It’s official! I’m moving to Brooklyn as soon as my checks to Century 21 clear, and hopefully with all of my black magic and voodoo this will not be a problem. Despite my usual tendency to fear and hate everything that is unfamiliar, I am actually very excited to move. Of course I’ll miss living on my block in Chelsea, quite possibly the best location in Manhattan, especially because it catered so well to my unbelievable laziness, with just about every train less than a block or a transfer away. My solution to the remoteness of Brooklyn? Get a pimpin’ ride.

My bike will obviously have a basket, a squeaky horn, and some glittery tassels on the handlebars.

In other news, today was SUPPOSED to be free Slurpee day at 7-11, but it turns out they’re full of shit. I was told the Slurpee machine was out of order. Skip was told that free Slurpee DAY ended at 2:00pm which sounds like some commie crap to me. 

In tomorrow’s news, several Manhattan 7-11s have been burned to the ground.

Happy America Day

It’s the 4th of July, and this is the first time I’ll be in New York to celebrate our nation’s independence from high prices and finance charges. Normally, if I were back in Maryland, I would spend the night at my grandmother’s house, wake up at about 8am to eat Costco danishes, watch the parade, and have my hearing permanently damaged by sirens, loud engines, and screaming crowds. Then we would spend the day by the pool eating hot dogs and hamburgers. Ah, America. Who else has the freedom to do that once a year?

But this year, I know nothing of any parade in Manhattan, and I certainly won’t get to be grilling my own sparkler dogs. And how am I supposed to exercise my freedoms without dangerous illegal fireworks? I didn’t think far enough in advance to get a gun, so what am I to do? Well, blog, it seems like. And now, a brief and abridged history of our great nation.

America! The United States of America was founded in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue. He vanquished all native peoples with his Italian charm and rampant case of super-crabs. Once he had all those damn people out of the way, his fellow guidos hopped on their motor boats and arrived in the New World. In 1500, they opened the first pizzeria, Famous Original Ray’s Pizza on Lexington Avenue in Italyville, which later become known as “New York” and more specifically, the borough of “Manahatta”. That had too many syllables and was easily mistaken for “Man Hat?” by the Italians, so it was changed to “Manhattan.” 

Then it was discovered that Columbus didn’t vanquish all the native peoples of this new land. In 1980 it was discovered that Texas was chock full of real Americans, with old school values like the necessity of firearms and Weber grills. These people, much larger than Columbus’s band of scrawny Italians, waged a war against the Manhattanites and won. They installed their leader, George H.W. Bush, as king of the land. The Bush dynasty spread across the land and is still prevalent today. The end.

A Letter to the Internet

Dear Internet,

Somehow, you aren’t the entity I fell in love with. We used to have so much fun, checking Facebook and Gmail, and refreshing that site featuring all the pictures that random people uploaded to their LiveJournals. But now… things just aren’t the same. You don’t entertain and challenge me the way you used to. I don’t want to say it’s because you’re not putting out, but… I go to Gmail, and, nothing. Facebook, nothing. Are you even trying anymore? I thought we could work through this. I got StumbleUpon and Digg, but it’s just not enough for you to randomly present me with sites that other users enjoy. What about me, internet? And my specific wants and needs?

And now that I have a job, well, I don’t even really need Craig’s List like I used to. These bookmarks are old and stale; where’s the excitement? The spontanaiety we used to have? When I would Google something you’d give me lots of great options, but it seems like everything there is just ads, ads, ads. You used to be able to surprise me, but now, your shock value doesn’t even have an effect on me. Beta? So what?

Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re going to blame this on the computer. And maybe you’re not completely wrong, maybe it has come between us. It’s slow, small, and just overall lacking the power that I crave. I guess what I’m saying is… I’m just not attracted to you anymore. Until you’re an iMac, I think I want to start seeing new technology.

Still friends?

Alison

We TV Confirms: Women That Watch We TV Are INSANE

We TV is Women’s Entertainment Television, very intentionally abbreviated so as not to be known as “Wet V” and take on a whole new connotation (girls making out). In case it wasn’t obvious from shows like Bridezillas and Women Behind Bars, people that watch this channel are out of their minds. But wait, there’s more. As if round-the-clock programming showcasing women at their craziest wasn’t enough, We TV has online webisodes that are chock full of nuts. Example? Puppy Weddings, a show that takes itself way too seriously. (Apparently the only things women respond to: puppies, and weddings, weddings, WEDDINGS!!) Now I love puppies as much as the next mentally challenged toddler/woman, but I’ve honestly never felt that animal weddings were cute or even kitschy. They’re just creepy. In the event that you do encounter a woman watching We TV, online or on cable, do not make eye contact, drop any chocolate you may be holding, and back slowly out of the room.

The Cover Letter I Just Wrote To American Apparel

I seriously just wrote and submitted this on a job application:

Dear Sir or Madam,
Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of writing cover letters to “Sir or Madam.” I just want a job to pay my bills. I think American Apparel is pretty awesome, and it would be cool to work there. I have some retail experience – I spent one holiday season working at a Vans shoe store in Baltimore, Maryland. Selling shoes is a little more hands-on than selling clothes, I think, because typically (I would assume) the salespeople at American Apparel probably don’t put the leotard on the potential buyer. Not so, in shoe sales. I’m getting off topic. I actually enjoyed selling shoes at Vans, because I love their product, I wear it myself, and I believe in its awesomeness. The same is true for American Apparel. I find your t-shirts to be the softest around, and your variety of colors cannot be beat. In getting down to business, I am a hard worker, fast learner, and good problem solver with a positive attitude and good sense of humor, and hopefully, you’ll consider me for this job. Thanks bunches,
Love,
Alison

And here’s the photo I submitted:

If that doesn’t get me hired, nothing will.

Illegal Immigrants Arrested at Meatpacking Plant, No Wonder I Can’t Get A Job

In Waterloo, Iowa, 270 illegal immigrants were sentenced this week after being arrested for working at a meatpacking plant with fraudulent documents. Mostly Guatemalen, the prosecuted workers admitted, through a Spanish interpreter, that they had taken jobs using false social security cards and immigration documents.

“The hearings took place on the grounds of the National Cattle Congress in Waterloo, in mobile trailers and in a dance hall modified with black curtains, beginning at 8 a.m. and continuing several nights until 10.”

Most upset about the violation of immigration laws? Students at the local high school whose prom had to be re-located to the truck stop on Highway 165. One student commented, saying, “They took our jobs and now they done taken our dance hall!

Crazy Aunt Pearl’s Cat Stroller!

Do you live by yourself? Do you have dozens of cats? Are you tired of being confined to the house for fear that, if you leave them alone, they will shop online with your credit card or run up the electric bill with their excessive use of the ham radio?

Well fear not! With Crazy Aunt Pearl’s Cat Stroller, now you and your only beloved children can spend hours wandering the neighborhood scaring small children!

In two attractive colors, there’s a Cat Stroller that’s right for everyone! Cram up to eleven cats per stroller for a ball of meowing, hissing, fun on wheels! And don’t worry, the protective netting will keep your babies from escaping and telling the government all your dirty secrets. Order now and we’ll throw in one of those balls with a motor inside that wiggles around, faux raccoon tail included! We know you’ll enjoy it just as much as they do.