Americans Pretending to Be British

I’m gonna file this entry under the category, “You Know What Really G’s and G?” as in, “grinds my gears,” “gets my goat,” and “gripes my Grandma.” And I’ll tell you what G’s my G – Americans pretending to be British. Let’s begin.

So it seems like everyone has at least one person in their life who makes a sad attempt at being something other than American when we all know damn well they were born and raised in McBurgerland and putting on a fake accent ain’t gonna do nothin’ to change it. I know at NYU there was an infamous character by the name of “Fake British Rob” who I personally never encountered, and everyone’s got at least one (if not several) person(s) from their high school who wanted desperately to move to Japan so they could work in a Hello Kitty Factory, watch anime, be accepted by their peers (good luck!) and compete on Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (that is what they do over there, right?) But aside from those incredibly obvious (and somewhat desperate and sad) attempts to pull off another national identity, I’ve noticed an ever-increasing, yet subtle, trend amongst the speech and behavior of young Americans that I can only assume is meant as an effort to appear more worldly and learned, ipso facto*, British.

If there’s anything we’ve learned from Arrested Development, it’s that English people are smart, cultured, and have an innate fashion sense (and are not mentally retarded females) that could only demand envy from us slack-jawed American yokels across the pond. Popular media has also taught me that British people will use any excuse, a simple entrance or exit, for example, as a reason to hug and kiss you, and that they often address other human beings as “love,” “lovely,” or “darling,” when really I’ve only just met them, they’re actually Belgian, and I’ll thank them to keep their waffle-loving paws off of me. Case in point, I’ve noticed many blatantly American Americans referring to one another as “love” and also hugging and kissing for no good reason. That’s a great way to get mono, people, and I don’t know about you, but I can’t just be slobbering all over strangers and then miss a month of work. Now I’m told that in England, or “Great Britain,” if you will, there is no disease among the non-sailor population, unicorns are abundant, and the local chipper is flagrantly and intentionally incorporating as much trans fat as possible into their food. And let me tell you, I certainly don’t want to live in a hellhole like that.**

I’m sick and tired of fat lazy Americans trying to escape the reality of their dull lives by injecting some fabricated wonder and culture into their vocabulary and ends of typed messages or notes, with a stock “xxx.” If you’re not British and you’re not writing to someone British, please keep to the standard American closing message of “Fuck you, you dirty rat bastard.” Look, the fact is, we’d ALL rather be British, but we’re not and we’ve got the Second Amendment to keep it that way. I’m perfectly happy not paying an exorbitant tax on tea, and if you want to keep your arsenal of guns and dental insurance, well then you better stick to the good old American way of doing things – hurriedly, miserably, and without affection. Pretending to be something you’re not will only make you interesting, mysterious, and more attractive to the opposite sex. Thank you, and good day.

And for a closing disclaimer, I suppose all of this suppositioning doesn’t apply to people who are actually British and now living in America, residents of Little Britain, or Americans who have moved to England (you gotta talk the talk if you wanna survive in the rough streets of London.) And it doesn’t apply to me because my boyfriend is Irish, thereby earning me the right to use phrases like, “What are you on about?” and “Were the lads slagging you off?” and “Your fanny’s fookin’ deadly!”

*I’ve already proven that I’m worldly and learned by using the phrase “ipso facto” thereby exempting me from pretending I’m British.

**I wish I lived in Britain. Please someone take me away from this horrible place.