Conversations I Fantasize About Having with Family Members

Me: What are your thoughts on Miley Cyrus?
11 Year Old Cousin: You mean Hannah Montana?
Me: Whatever.
11 Year Old Cousin: She sucks and is an embarrassment to young females of my generation.
Me: Yes, I agree.
11 Year Old Cousin: Yeah, she sucks major donkey balls.
Me: Totes for real.
11 Year Old Cousin: LOL.
Me: Did you just say “LOL”?
11 Year Old Cousin: I meant it ironically.
Me: Good.

Me: How are you Grandpa?
Grandpa: Good. You call and visit just as much as I’d like you to, and I am in no way bitter or resentful. 

Me: What are all these investments in my name?
Dad: It’s stock in Apple that I bought in 1986.
Me: When do I get to have it?
Dad: Tomorrow.

Me: Dogs are so much better than cats.
Brother: I know!!
Me: Thank you for admitting that.

Me: I wish you hadn’t died.
Grandma: I know, me neither. I had half a tuna sandwich in the fridge I was really looking forward to.

Me: Oh man, it’s Sunday, you know what that means.
Garfield: Oh no, tomorrow’s Monday! I hate Mondays.
Me: Let’s go get some lasagna and then mail Nermel to Abu Dhabi.
Garfield: Agreed.

Brooklyn, Here I Come

It’s official! I’m moving to Brooklyn as soon as my checks to Century 21 clear, and hopefully with all of my black magic and voodoo this will not be a problem. Despite my usual tendency to fear and hate everything that is unfamiliar, I am actually very excited to move. Of course I’ll miss living on my block in Chelsea, quite possibly the best location in Manhattan, especially because it catered so well to my unbelievable laziness, with just about every train less than a block or a transfer away. My solution to the remoteness of Brooklyn? Get a pimpin’ ride.

My bike will obviously have a basket, a squeaky horn, and some glittery tassels on the handlebars.

In other news, today was SUPPOSED to be free Slurpee day at 7-11, but it turns out they’re full of shit. I was told the Slurpee machine was out of order. Skip was told that free Slurpee DAY ended at 2:00pm which sounds like some commie crap to me. 

In tomorrow’s news, several Manhattan 7-11s have been burned to the ground.

Warning: Frankenberry May Give You Horrible Cramps

I’m the kind of person that never learns their lesson. Though I am well aware that eating certain foods will make me feel like some kind of monster that is the assembly of many different, mismatched human body parts and then shocked to life by a lightning bolt, I continue to ingest them. Known foods that do this are: coffee, any kind of soda, and now, tragically, Frankenberry. Who would’ve thought a neon pink, artificially-flavored, marshmallow and puffed corn cereal would have a negative effect on the human body? First, I ate it and enjoyed every second. Then I promptly fell into a 3-hour long sugar coma from which I could not be woken. Then I mustered the strength found only in those able overcome muscular dystrophy and got out of bed, only to suffer horrible abdominal pain. And you know what? At the risk of feeling like complete dog ass, I’ll have it for breakfast again tomorrow.

Other examples of times when I just didn’t learn? Being lured into shithole apartments, including one projects house, more than once by Craig’s List ads promising “no fee,” “new renovations,” or “bucket of truth.” Dating an Irishman. Taking that extra five minutes in the morning to watch the rest of the human interest story on The Today Show. Not following The Today Show’s advice to choose a career as a sex worker. Volunteering to wake up before 8am for various reasons, including, spending the day at the airport, working on student films, and taking that damn dog to the vet. Not carrying my umbrella every day in June. Making sidewalk chalk drawings right before a job interview. Having that third taco. Starting to write a blog while having horrible abdominal pain, knowing full well I’d have to leave halfway through to go to…. excuse me.

Happy America Day

It’s the 4th of July, and this is the first time I’ll be in New York to celebrate our nation’s independence from high prices and finance charges. Normally, if I were back in Maryland, I would spend the night at my grandmother’s house, wake up at about 8am to eat Costco danishes, watch the parade, and have my hearing permanently damaged by sirens, loud engines, and screaming crowds. Then we would spend the day by the pool eating hot dogs and hamburgers. Ah, America. Who else has the freedom to do that once a year?

But this year, I know nothing of any parade in Manhattan, and I certainly won’t get to be grilling my own sparkler dogs. And how am I supposed to exercise my freedoms without dangerous illegal fireworks? I didn’t think far enough in advance to get a gun, so what am I to do? Well, blog, it seems like. And now, a brief and abridged history of our great nation.

America! The United States of America was founded in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue. He vanquished all native peoples with his Italian charm and rampant case of super-crabs. Once he had all those damn people out of the way, his fellow guidos hopped on their motor boats and arrived in the New World. In 1500, they opened the first pizzeria, Famous Original Ray’s Pizza on Lexington Avenue in Italyville, which later become known as “New York” and more specifically, the borough of “Manahatta”. That had too many syllables and was easily mistaken for “Man Hat?” by the Italians, so it was changed to “Manhattan.” 

Then it was discovered that Columbus didn’t vanquish all the native peoples of this new land. In 1980 it was discovered that Texas was chock full of real Americans, with old school values like the necessity of firearms and Weber grills. These people, much larger than Columbus’s band of scrawny Italians, waged a war against the Manhattanites and won. They installed their leader, George H.W. Bush, as king of the land. The Bush dynasty spread across the land and is still prevalent today. The end.

I’m Addicted to CL

Since I’ve been looking for a new apartment, I’ve become absolutely addicted to Craig’s List. And not in a good way. Not in an ironic, cruising-through-personals-just-to-laugh-at-how-pathetic-they-are-whilst-I-myself-am-equally-pathetic-and-cruising-personals-as-entertainment kind of way. I am chronically checking to see if there are new apartments available in the no-fee section and sending dozens of emails trying to set up appointments to see them. It’s giving me horrible flashbacks to my job search, except this search will end with me losing lots of money instead of earning it. But the good news is, I’ve just discovered that Craig’s List offers RSS feeds for your specific search terms and field requests, and thank God, because I can’t keep refreshing this shit. Now I can easily check my Mail to see what’s happening in the world of shady real estate, and eventually ignore it like everything else that comes into my inbox. Thank you, technology. Internet, please forgive me?

But let’s just say I was cruising Craig’s List personals for entertainment. Here’s some stuff I’d hope to find in the “Strictly Platonic” section…

Fellow feminist sought for partner Halloween costume. Let’s get started early: human-size papier-mache fallopian tubes don’t build themselves! (East Village)

Burly bear needed for Boy Scout training sessions entitled, “When No Means No” and “How to Escape a Bear in the Wild” (Chelsea)

Let’s share a giant glass of milk! (Williamsburg)

White, English-speaking, female friend desperately needed (Harlem)

Double amputee seeks companion. Can you lend me a hand… or two? LOL! (Battery Park)

Friend and caretaker wanted for elderly woman. You help me use the toilet and medicate my bedsores and I’ll regale you with stories about Lyndon B. Johnson. (Astoria)

Narcissist seeks self-loathing yes man as gym spotter and ego masseuse (Financial District)

Members wanted for adults-only Strip Cranium Team (Coney Island)