While You Were Out

So sorry for the lack of posts. My brain has been a feeble, dried-out raisin instead of a juicy, firm mind grape. Here’s what I’ve been up to in the meantime:

- Been sized up by long unseen relatives at party celebrating my graduation from college, or more appropriately, my father’s release from the financial shackles of NYU. Insert grandparents-boob-touching scene from Sixteen Candles. Haha just kidding. My grandparents are dead.

- Watched Rosemary’s Baby, and was so inspired by Mia Farrow’s portrayal of a pregnant 10-year old besieged by geriatric devil-worshippers that I decided to get matching haircut. Have not met similar fate (yet).

- Attempted to attend Vampire Weekend concert at Central Park Summer Stage, but was promptly rained upon and utterly soaked in thunderstorm. Suspect it’s part of Bloomberg’s plan to de-gentrify Brooklyn and lower rent by eliminating hipsters in lightning strike “accident”.

- Knitted a tampon cozy.

- Played with puppies at pet store, all of which bit me mercilessly. Contracted rabies, sued pet store. Settlement pending.

- Read an article saying that global warming (caused by humans) isn’t real. Agreed. Drove around IKEA parking lot for hours.

-  Bagged over 15 lbs. of leftover meatballs. 

- Began reading Dubliners by James Joyce. Envisioned future boredom.

- Considered purging closet of all unwanted clothing, was too busy to take further action. Spent two hours writing article on “How To Pick a Blue Crab.”

- Received June electric bill. Crapped pants.

A Letter to the Internet

Dear Internet,

Somehow, you aren’t the entity I fell in love with. We used to have so much fun, checking Facebook and Gmail, and refreshing that site featuring all the pictures that random people uploaded to their LiveJournals. But now… things just aren’t the same. You don’t entertain and challenge me the way you used to. I don’t want to say it’s because you’re not putting out, but… I go to Gmail, and, nothing. Facebook, nothing. Are you even trying anymore? I thought we could work through this. I got StumbleUpon and Digg, but it’s just not enough for you to randomly present me with sites that other users enjoy. What about me, internet? And my specific wants and needs?

And now that I have a job, well, I don’t even really need Craig’s List like I used to. These bookmarks are old and stale; where’s the excitement? The spontanaiety we used to have? When I would Google something you’d give me lots of great options, but it seems like everything there is just ads, ads, ads. You used to be able to surprise me, but now, your shock value doesn’t even have an effect on me. Beta? So what?

Now I know what you’re thinking, you’re going to blame this on the computer. And maybe you’re not completely wrong, maybe it has come between us. It’s slow, small, and just overall lacking the power that I crave. I guess what I’m saying is… I’m just not attracted to you anymore. Until you’re an iMac, I think I want to start seeing new technology.

Still friends?

Alison

The P’Zone is Back!

If you don’t have your local Pizza Hut on speed dial, now may be a good time to save it to your contacts, because the P’Zone is BACK! As if normal pizza wasn’t already great, now you can get an entire pizza folded in half, marketed in such a way that makes it okay for one person to consume the whole thing. Get your own P’Zone, man, I’m not sharing my 6.5 pounds of dough, cheese, and toppings with you! For anyone who didn’t know, I have a personal tie to Pizza Hut, and by “personal” I mean “business”. No, I am not a frequent shopper. I used to work at my local P-Hut, as an insider and then, the coveted position of driver. This article doesn’t really apply in New York, because you’d have to be out of your mind to voluntarily order from Pizza Slut when there’s a real, New York-style pizzeria on every corner, but here’s something I wrote a couple years ago as a (clearly disgruntled) teenage pizza-mobile driver in suburban America:

As a deliverer of pizzas, I am going to use this space and time to educate all readers on pizza etiquette. Actually, not so much etiquette as “how to not annoy your driver”. I will follow with a list of things that annoy the piss out of me when I’m taking food people’s houses.

1) When I ring the doorbell/knock, whoever is inside the house yells, “Who is it?!”
Okay dumbass, you’re the one who ordered the pizza. Who do you think it is? Many times I am tempted to say, “Randy Newman,” “Your Mom,” or “It’s the motherfuckin’ cops.” Regardless of the answer, you’re gonna have to get up off your fat ass and open the door anyway, so let’s not beat around the bush.

Pickup Lines Overheard at the Big Apple Barbeque

“Will you hold my wiener?”

“Can I interest you in some… meat?”

“Meat. Wiener. Penis! Get it?? Ha ha! Seriously though, wanna fuck?”

“Hey I hear okra is an aphrodisiac.”

“This bratwurst is pretty big… but I mean, Vienna sausages are good too…”

“I came to this thing last year and had wicked diarrhea for about two days. Can I get your number?”

“I’d like to get my mouth around those hams.”

“If I were a superhero, my superpower would be meat vision. Want to go back to my place and watch X-Men 2?

“This place is kind of a sausage fest. Wanna hit my place for some tacos?”

“Yeah, smoked ribs are good, but I prefer smoking pole.”

“Would you like to finish my brisket? I like girls with big asses.”

We TV Confirms: Women That Watch We TV Are INSANE

We TV is Women’s Entertainment Television, very intentionally abbreviated so as not to be known as “Wet V” and take on a whole new connotation (girls making out). In case it wasn’t obvious from shows like Bridezillas and Women Behind Bars, people that watch this channel are out of their minds. But wait, there’s more. As if round-the-clock programming showcasing women at their craziest wasn’t enough, We TV has online webisodes that are chock full of nuts. Example? Puppy Weddings, a show that takes itself way too seriously. (Apparently the only things women respond to: puppies, and weddings, weddings, WEDDINGS!!) Now I love puppies as much as the next mentally challenged toddler/woman, but I’ve honestly never felt that animal weddings were cute or even kitschy. They’re just creepy. In the event that you do encounter a woman watching We TV, online or on cable, do not make eye contact, drop any chocolate you may be holding, and back slowly out of the room.

OP ED: Bloggers Blogging Make Me Blog

So I was cruising around WordPress looking for interesting blogs I could comment on as a means of slyly directing more traffic to my blog. I searched for tags like, “comedy,” “humor,” “cupcakes,” etc., anything I find remotely interesting. The amount of boring-ass ugly blogs that came up was astounding. And many of them were un-related to my search terms, which means, some of you bastards are illegitimately and inappropriately tagging your posts! Why are these people blogging? They make me want to blog all over my shoes. I doubt anyone has the desire to read about a 14-year old girl’s day, unless she’s a slutty 14-year old, in which case, lots of old perverts want to read about it, but if not, that’s what LiveJournal is for. Equally pointless? People basically re-posting news stories with their boring commentary. Stop boring me! If I want news I’m going to the New York Times or CNN or Gay City News or something remotely reputable, not “Dan Stevens Thoughts on World Climate Change.” And for the love of God people, you’ve got templates at your disposal! Please, put the effort in for some amount of aesthetic order. And if you don’t care what your blog looks like, that’s what LiveJournal is for!

Now this may come off as hypocritical, seeing as I myself am a blogger currently blogging on my blog, but I like to think that this blog has a purpose: to be original and funny. Or interesting. In some way. Vaguely. Blog! At the very least, I observe the rules of proper grammar and punctuation. So that’s what I am offering – an example of good English. And I have a unique perspective on life as a middle class, unemployed, white, female, college graduate living in New York who doesn’t like Sarah Jessica Parker. Who knows what I’ll say next?! And sometimes, pictures. Who doesn’t love a good picture?! Blog BLOG BLAGH!!

Picture from someecards.com. Credit where credit is due.

*Number of times “blog” used: 13

The Cover Letter I Just Wrote To American Apparel

I seriously just wrote and submitted this on a job application:

Dear Sir or Madam,
Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of writing cover letters to “Sir or Madam.” I just want a job to pay my bills. I think American Apparel is pretty awesome, and it would be cool to work there. I have some retail experience – I spent one holiday season working at a Vans shoe store in Baltimore, Maryland. Selling shoes is a little more hands-on than selling clothes, I think, because typically (I would assume) the salespeople at American Apparel probably don’t put the leotard on the potential buyer. Not so, in shoe sales. I’m getting off topic. I actually enjoyed selling shoes at Vans, because I love their product, I wear it myself, and I believe in its awesomeness. The same is true for American Apparel. I find your t-shirts to be the softest around, and your variety of colors cannot be beat. In getting down to business, I am a hard worker, fast learner, and good problem solver with a positive attitude and good sense of humor, and hopefully, you’ll consider me for this job. Thanks bunches,
Love,
Alison

And here’s the photo I submitted:

If that doesn’t get me hired, nothing will.

Alternate Headlines: 6/3/08

Alternate Headlines:

China Sez, “Stay The Hell Out!”

Olympic-Bound Foreigners Realize 2008 Games Are in China, Get Screwed When They Can’t Re-Book Flights to Fort Lauderdale

Americans Warned Against Spreading Democracy, Genital Herpes

Excerpt from the real article:

Do? Leave Jackie Chan DVDs at home

Don’t? Wear anything purchased at Wal-Mart

——————————————————————————-

Alternate Headlines:

First Political Brain Switch, Resurrection of Nixon in Kennedy’s Body, A Success

Republicans’ Mission Impossible: III-style Assassination of Kennedy Foiled by Modern Science

After The Fact, Kennedy Loves Tumor Humor

——————————————————————————-

Alternate Headlines:

Mr. Bill to Star in MasterCard Commercial, NY Times Writer Fired for Confusing Advertising with News

Visa Infiltrates Ad Agency and Changes MasterCard Font to Comic Sans in an Effort to Repulse Customers

MasterCard Advertising CEO Wakes From 35-Year Coma, Casts Mr. Bill

——————————————————————————–

Finally some good news for me! This is a sign.

Free Stuff on Craig’s List

That’s what she said (huhuhuhuh…). It gets better:

THANKS TO THE MANY SMART ONES WHO HAVE RESPONDED AND THANKED ME….THE FOLLOWING IS ANOTHER EMAIL i RECEIVED…
“i realize your point, that the BEST time to transplant bushes is in
the fall, BUT you can successfully transplant bushes n o w….and
some of us are on a serious budget, and we cannot afford to go out
and buy the plants/bushes we’d like!”

ANOTHER 80 DEGREE DAY….GO OUT THERE AND BUST YOUR HUMP TRYING TO GET A SUBSTANTIAL ROOTBALL BIG ENOUGH FOR SURVIVAL….”YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY HIT A HOME RUN AT SHEA STADIUM GIVEN ENOUGH TRIES….”

THE ODDS ARE AGAINST YOU !! THE POINT IS –> YOU WANNA GIVE AWAY A BUSH? OR JUST USE SOME SUCKER TO TO YOUR LABOR? GIVE TREES AWAY IN THE FALL—ENOUGH SAID

Giving away free bush is hard.

My Top 10 Favorite Childhood Nicknames

Lots of kids have nicknames, especially when they’re small. I had quite a few, and following, are my favorite among them (some of them stick to this day):

10. Thelma
9. Goggle face
8. Little Tina Turner
7. Cupcake
6. Firecrotch
5. Ali Baba
4. Fat ass
3. Cheesesteak
2. Al Gore
1. The Muskrat