Things to Do This Friday Since the Sex and The City Premiere is Sold Out

OMG! So you totally wanted to go see your favorite whoresome foursome, Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and that brunette who is just dying for a baby, vamp around Manhattan and have careless sex with fabulous hats on, but the premiere is sold out! What’s a girl to do! Well, here are some suggestions of activities that might make you feel better about not having someone else’s sex life to talk about with your gal pals on Saturday morning:

- Vamp around Manhattan and have careless sex with a fabulous hat on

- Buy hundreds of pairs of shoes

- Disrespect the valet, or any other lowly service employee

- Paint your Pomeranian’s toenails the same color as your vagina

- Start therapy

- Come up with cute nicknames for your private parts in the vein of The Papaya, Snugglepuss, Mrs. Jones, or The Great White Nightmare

- Have sex with the valet, or any other lowly service employee

- Get your fix of bitchy women by watching re-run marathons of “The Real Housewives of New York City” on Bravo or hanging out at Urban Outfitters

- Sort out your drawer of thongs and fishnets

- Begin research to explain why ugly girls are so mean to you

And if all else fails, you can watch hundreds of hours of Sex and the City on DVD. Don’t get too down girls, you can always go see the movie on Saturday night. Unless of course it’s out of fashion by then.

Picture from someecards.com.

Movie Meteorology: Summer Movies

Summer is upon us, and that means the masses will be clamoring for a seat in the only reliably air-conditioned place in the city to park their fat sweaty asses: the movie theater. I would say that it seems like every summer, we are bombarded with a slew of unforgivably bad films that were written, shot, and distributed in the span of about six weeks, but I’ve noticed that this year in general has produced hardly any films that I would bother paying the $12.00 ticket price to see. Examples? Over Her Dead Body, 27 Dresses, Dan in Real Life, and so on. I could only name a few because everything else was so horribly forgettable. Perhaps with the legit excuse of the writer’s strike to blame. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good ones too, namely just the Oscar noms and art-house indie stuff (and by “good ones,” I mean “white noise you can fall asleep to”.) And now I am going to tackle the task of movie meteorologist for the summer, and predict the future of what will be good and bad based only on the trailers.*

Woman Claims Roommate Has Psychic Power, Uses It To Bogart The Bathroom

A woman residing in New York City recently came to police claiming her roommate had genuine psychic ability, and was reading her thoughts without her permission. Since the ability for a human to “read” another person’s mind has never been proven, and there is no precedent for non-consensual thought invasion as a crime, police were unable to help the woman. She claims she first noticed her roommate’s power when she came home and found him sitting in the living room watching Seinfeld and eating her Ramen noodles, the exact thing she had planned to do upon entering the apartment. The problem escalated when the roommate, according to the woman’s claims, stole her idea for a film about a dogcatcher whose real passion in life is cheese mongering, and dreams of buying a dairy farm. The woman was ready to dismiss the previous “coincidences” until it became a regular occurrence that the roommate would occupy the bathroom for excessive periods of time, specifically when the woman was about to go in there. When asked for comment, she said, “I didn’t think he was like this. What kind of person would use their special power for evil instead of good? He should be using his ability to stock up on toilet paper, not freeze me out of the shower.”

Craig’s List Missed Connection: 5/24/08

You: wearing white v-neck T-shirt and backwards baseball cap in the style popular for young people of the 90s, as if to say, “Yes. I am hip.” Your glasses matched those of the 9-year old beside you, who I assume was either your son or  the result of America’s first successful clone of a human being. Your patchy facial hair screamed, “Asians are men too” and oh, how I heard it.

I was sitting across from you on the A train, in a red bandanna and paisley eye patch. I couldn’t help but notice your deconstructed CPU with missing side panel, and metal alloy baseball bat. I wondered if you shared my enthusiasm for the destruction of outdated computer parts. My other interests include dried meats, vaccuum packing my underwear, and creating mosaic art with frozen vegetables. Let’s connect over some uncooked ramen and dismantled hard drives.

Illegal Immigrants Arrested at Meatpacking Plant, No Wonder I Can’t Get A Job

In Waterloo, Iowa, 270 illegal immigrants were sentenced this week after being arrested for working at a meatpacking plant with fraudulent documents. Mostly Guatemalen, the prosecuted workers admitted, through a Spanish interpreter, that they had taken jobs using false social security cards and immigration documents.

“The hearings took place on the grounds of the National Cattle Congress in Waterloo, in mobile trailers and in a dance hall modified with black curtains, beginning at 8 a.m. and continuing several nights until 10.”

Most upset about the violation of immigration laws? Students at the local high school whose prom had to be re-located to the truck stop on Highway 165. One student commented, saying, “They took our jobs and now they done taken our dance hall!

Toilet Abuse

Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, I am currently sitting on the Chinatown bus headed to Baltimore and enjoying free wireless internet. That’s right – I’m in an internetmobile. So I initially got on here to write a post about Mother’s Day (and to take my attention off this guy sitting in front of me, whose gnarly dreads are spilling over his seat and into my space), but upon coming to WordPress was confronted with this headline: “‘Bishop’ and Mother Arrested After Making Kids Live with Corpse.” A-say what??

Apparently this religious “bishop” (obviously of the Psychotic Bastard Religion, Wisconsin Chapter) deemed that if this 90-year old dead woman sat on a toilet, she would be resurrected. I mean, that makes sense, right? Sometimes after a long enough time on the toilet I feel like I’ve been reborn. This religion sounds like this shitty movie I watched last night called Inside, starring Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl fame, but that’s another post altogether. Read the whole (news) story here.

Now this may be old, and perhaps you’ve already discussed it with the Debate Team, but in other toilet news, authorities are considering charges against a man who allowed his girlfriend to sit on his toilet for two years, so long in fact, that her skin grew around the toilet seat and it had to be removed at the hospital. Now, that’s shocking and disgusting, but how is the man culpable here? Don’t bother a woman on the toilet, that’s what I say. He brought her food and water every day and asked her to leave the bathroom, but she refused. (Wouldn’t he eventually have to go? Bitch get off ma terlet!) She should be grateful he wasn’t urinating in her lap. Read the whole story here. Based on these two incidences, I can conclude that Midwesterners have issues with pooping the same way New Yorkers have issues with eating.

You’re welcome readers, for your daily dose of bizarre and fucked up news. So next time you’re grappling for a conversation starter or suffering through some awkward silence, you’ll have something to say to that complete stranger at the bus stop.

P.S. – Happy Mother’s Day!!

Crazy Aunt Pearl’s Cat Stroller!

Do you live by yourself? Do you have dozens of cats? Are you tired of being confined to the house for fear that, if you leave them alone, they will shop online with your credit card or run up the electric bill with their excessive use of the ham radio?

Well fear not! With Crazy Aunt Pearl’s Cat Stroller, now you and your only beloved children can spend hours wandering the neighborhood scaring small children!

In two attractive colors, there’s a Cat Stroller that’s right for everyone! Cram up to eleven cats per stroller for a ball of meowing, hissing, fun on wheels! And don’t worry, the protective netting will keep your babies from escaping and telling the government all your dirty secrets. Order now and we’ll throw in one of those balls with a motor inside that wiggles around, faux raccoon tail included! We know you’ll enjoy it just as much as they do.

Craig’s List Missed Connection: 5/8/08

For realsies taken directly from Craig’s List’s “missed connections” section. It’s a goldmine.

Park Slope NYSC. You were stretching, I was doing situps. – m4w – 24 (Park Slope)
Date: 2008-05-08, 9:52PM EDT

You were stretching at New York Sports Club in Park Slope at around 8:45 tonight and I sat down to do situps with a medicine ball next to you. I couldn’t stop staring at you but couldn’t think up a reasonable excuse to talk to you without looking like the creepy guy in the gym…you know the guy I’m talking about (see below), and lucky for you (or maybe not, as I didn’t talk to you) I’m not him. You had silver/gray tights and blonde hair. I had a black tshirt and blue shorts.

Yeah, because randomly talking to someone in the gym is creepy…

Top 20 Reasons to Quit Facebook

20. You use “facebooked” as a verb.
19. Your mom joined.
18. I fucked your mom.
17. You’re tired of seeing pictures of your ex-boyfriend frenching your other ex-boyfriend.
16. You don’t give a flying fuck whose birthday it is.
15. You just don’t have enough spare time to devote to stalking your friends the way they deserve to be stalked.
14. You don’t want your boss to see pictures of you shit-faced at the Puerto Rican Day parade.
13. Your boss is on facebook.
12. I fucked your boss.
11. Two words: iPhones and hipsters.
10. The last person who friended you listed “swap meets, eyebrow grooming, and ranch dressing” under interests.
9. Today’s “gift” was a severed toe.
8. No one seems to be replying to your marketplace listing for Season 2 of Desperate Housewives on DVD.
7. You’ve been reduced to making profiles for your pet… and they allow that.
6. You can’t keep spending three hours a day un-tagging unflattering photos of yourself in public bathrooms (let’s face it: they’re all unflattering).
5. According to your profile, you’re in a relationship with yourself and “it’s complicated” when in reality, you got dumped by yourself weeks ago and are too embarrassed to admit it.
4. You don’t think that dropping one’s cell phone in a toilet is reasonable grounds for an “event.”
3. Turns out “JD’s ultra-selective group” was neither “ultra” nor “selective”.
2. You were depressed to learn that you aren’t really friends with the Janitor from Scrubs, because that guy is hilarious.
1. It’s unlikely that if 100,000 people join a group someone’s going to suck their own dick (and if they do, you want proof).

To-Do List: 5/7/08

- Write angry letter to Duane Reade regarding exorbitant price of Mach 3 replacement blades and illiteracy of employees

- Sell books back to NYU Bookstore for $4.75, for a total net profit of -$75.00

- Clean roommate’s funky food out of fridge

- Dance like no one is watching

- Sell old Beanie Babies to pay off college tuition loans

- Take a dump in the bathroom at the Met

- Conceal funky food in roommate’s mattress

- Recycle excess wire hangers

- Compile portfolio of writing samples (note: angry letters to Duane Reade not acceptable)

- Send dream journal to publishing company… again

- Destroy evidence of former obsession with the fat guy from Nsync